Official Cliche Kiss Stories
by MultipleCyrosis
Summary: A short series of oneshots, dedicated to the subject we all know and love, cliche kiss scenes. [REEDITED][IchiRuki]
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **Hi. Just a short, stupid, start of a cynical fanfiction, that I decided to write after reading some funny stories. Will be a series. The reason for editing can be read in chapter three.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach

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**Official Cliché Kiss Stories**

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The 'falling' scene:

Most of you are familiar with this one, as it has taken number one on this list. First of all, Rukia and Ichigo are walking someplace (home, school etc). Suddenly a miniscule pebble appears out of _nowhere _and Rukia falls face forward (usually in slow motion).

Miraculously, Ichigo acquires this superhuman power that allows to fall faster than Rukia (defying the laws of physics) and _somehow _gets underneath her to 'break her fall'.

Even though it is highly unlikely, their lips seem to have magnets implanted inside of them, because they always seem to meet. No matter the angle, or velocity of the fall.

This is usually followed by a long eye gazing session, or slapping, yelling, and mouth washing (separately, of course)

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The 'hill' scene:

Continuing with the whole 'outside' theme, we now find Rukia and Ichigo on top of a hill. Well, it might not even be a hill, it just has to be an inclined slope. But we like hill, because its very romantic.

For some reason or another, one of the two characters decides to 'be free' and run down the grassy slope. Of course, this action triggers something in the stationary character and he/she (usually he) follows after.

Now, the first character (which is almost always Rukia – we writers cannot really see Ichigo spreading his arms 'The Sound of Music' style, and rushing down a hill with a peaceful smile on his face) falls over, and – you guessed it – the second character, Ichigo, also 'tumbles' down, and yet again, the wonderful power of these mysterious magnets comes into play again, and amongst their tangled limbs, their lips always seem to meet.

Heck, the two of them could have fallen off a bloody cliff and died. When the rescue team would come, they would see their lips connected to each other, regardless of how battered or broken other parts of the body may be.

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The 'ice cream' scene:

Ice cream. Arguably one of man's greatest inventions. Also noted as one of the most destructive substances on the planet, for various reasons. After all, it does come from a cow. We basically shook up their milk, then froze it. But, enough of that. Let's see what ice cream has to do with our two favourite Bleach characters.

Usually, Rukia and Ichigo are either under a tree or sitting on a park bench – and its _always _situated away from the crowd. I don't know about you guys, but I have yet to see a park bench sitting in the middle of nowhere (and I mean nowhere).

Well, anyway, Rukia is just sitting there licking her ice cream happily, and Ichigo is just sitting there contemplating bad things. We writers like to make sure that Rukia is especially clumsy with ice cream and she _always _gets some on her chin or face. Now, normally, in a normal lifestyle, she wouldn't hesitate to wipe it off, but of course, this is not normal, and Ichigo leans in and either:

Wipes it off for her, which usually leads to some sort of awkward kiss scene. Afterwards one of the characters always comments on the flavour of the ice cream (seems like the trendy thing to do nowadays is to comment on the flavour of the ice cream, _not_ after eating it normally, but after eating out of someone else's mouth).

Licks it off for her. Now, this option seems quite stupid and un-Ichigo, but it sets everyone off screaming for some strange reason. And Rukia, instead of telling him off for slobbering all over her face, just simply sits there stunned, or kisses him.

And there you have the kiss scene induced by ice cream. Arguably one of man's greatest inventions. Women hate it, because it makes them fat, men love it, because it gets them girls.

Isn't the world a lovely place?

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The 'noodle' scene:

Ok, folks, we're really getting into it now. Lets go with the food theme. Noodles – in all different shapes and forms. Also known as spaghetti.

Whatever, but it has to be edible, long and stringy.

This idea was first graced upon by the famous Walt Disney, who most cleverly knew that two dogs kissing would just look random, so he made the two dogs eat spaghetti. Because that isn't weird.

Anyhow, it seems that we fanfiction writers seem to like this idea, but we substitute the dogs for Ichigo, and Rukia (not much difference, really). Due to the setting of Bleach, noodles are usually substituted for spaghetti.

Ichigo and Rukia are delving hungrily into their bowl of noodles which is shared because of some random reason made up by the author, and for once, they do not rely on the mysterious magnets in their lips.

They are dragged together by the common noodle, and because Rukia is a vicious pig when it comes to eating, she continues chomping her way down the noodle, while Ichigo is on the other end, his eyes bulging and cheeks burning. Only three letters are going through his mind at that very moment: WTF.

But soon, its ok, because as Rukia makes her way through the edible guideline, she reaches Ichigo's lips, they share a short kiss, followed either by Rukia continuing to eat and Ichigo stunned, or Ichigo exclaiming angrily about how he will never wash his mouth again…I mean, exclaiming angrily about how he will never eat with Rukia again, blushing all the while.

Noodles are yum, too.

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The 'mistletoe' scene:

Since it's Christmas time soon, lets finish off with the only type of fiction that has somehow made its way through _every _fandom.

Mistletoe – what exactly is it? Well according to various sources, mistletoe "is the common name for various parasitic plants in the order Santalales, belonging to the families Santalaceae, Loranthaceae and Misodendraceae."

Now, the story goes that, if you stand _underneath _this parasitic plant, you are obliged to kiss a person who is also underneath this same plant.

Myth says that it happened due to some Norse god named Baldur who got killed by a weapon made of mistletoe (pretty stupid, if you ask me). Being the mummy's boy that he was, his mother cried the poison out of him, and so now, whenever he met someone underneath mistletoe, he used to kiss them because of his thankfulness and gratitude.

How boring. That is why, we fanfiction authors like to twist our own little ideals into the myth, i.e. Ichigo and Rukia.

In this particular scenario, Rukia plays the naïve little girl who runs up and asks Ichigo "what happens when you stand underneath the mistletoe?" or something along those lines. Writers often make their corner stone this question, and build up some stupid scene around it to hit past the 1500 word mark. I should have made that 1300 or something, since this fanfiction is below 1500.

Anyway, of course Ichigo takes advantage of her naivety (he isn't as nice as we think) and holds her tight in a heart-racing, toe-curling, smooch.

Thankfully all authors leave the scene there, as it usually escalates into something more, that is not allowed to be included here, as this is the official listing of cliché KISSES.

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**AN: **And that brings us to the end of this first installment of _Official Cliché Kiss Stories. _The next five stories will come soon. These stories know NO bounds. Reviews are loved and appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Hello, and welcome to the next installment of…(drum roll please)…_Official Cliché Kiss Stories _starring our very own (hit the lights) Kurosaki Ichigo, and Kuchiki Rukia. Sit back and enjoy.

Ah, the author of this story would just like to say that he does know that most of these kiss scenes are in his stories. Where do you think he gets these ideas from?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach. I just make fun of it.

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**Official Cliché Kiss Stories**

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The 'bedside-sickness' scene:

It has recently come to my attention of another type of cliché scene, where Ichigo and Rukia are inclined to kiss. In this scenario, one of the main characters is sick. Oh so very sick.

For example's sake, let us make Rukia sick. Lets not have the evil laughter, please.

She is coughing a lot, and has a fever. Ichigo puts her in bed like a knight in shining armour, and goes off and cooks some chicken soup (and if its not chicken soup, then its not cliché) for Rukia to drink, because we all know the magical healing powers of chicken soup.

Anyway, Miss Rukia is lying in bed, sick to the bone (even though in her gigai she shouldn't be able to actually _get _sick, but we authors like to ignore that, since it would be inconvenient) and Ichigo comes in like the angel he is with a bowl of chicken soup.

Of course, Rukia is very thankful, and we usually see her drink it all up in a couple of sentences. No mention of the scalded mouth, oh, not at all. That would make the kiss that they are going to have taste bad.

She says thank-you very softly (because she is sick) but Ichigo seems to interpret this as "Kiss me, you hunk of human, you".

And so he does.

The story ends there, obviously, since kissing Rukia would make _him _sick, (did you know half a cup of saliva is transferred between mouths for the average kiss?) but that would dampen the whole mood now, would it?

However, if the writer feels particularly clever and witty, he or she will make it so Ichigo _does _get sick, and then it is Rukia's turn to take care of him.

This is known in _The Official Listing of Cliché Kiss Scenes in Bleach Fandom _as: number 7.

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The 'bedside-sickness' scene (continued):

Now, in this alternate scenario, the author can take two pathways.

One is, the 'good-girl' Rukia, who turns out to be some magical cook, and can mix up some medicinal food that will heal Ichigo (maybe a salad, or something). Of course Ichigo gets well, and then the whole kissing thing is re-enacted once again, except Rukia doesn't interpret Ichigo's 'thank-you' as 'Kiss me, you hunk of human, you", as that would be disgusting and politically incorrect.

However, its not far off from Ichigo's actual intention. 'Kiss me, baby' might be something along the lines of the meaning of _his _thank-you. Before I move on to the next pathway the author can take, I can already hear some of you saying, "Why doesn't he just say 'Kiss me, baby'?"

Well, dear audience, that is because that would be quite disturbing and would drastically change Ichigo's reputation and character.

So, the next pathway.

The 'I-don't-know-anything-about-the-human-world' Rukia. Please make a note: this Rukia is more like the Rukia we see in the manga and the anime. In this scenario, this Rukia decides to mix up a 'lovely' concoction, that she is _sure _will cure Ichigo.

Unfortunately it doesn't, and if it happened in real life, Ichigo would die of acute food poisoning. But we authors don't like character deaths, so we simply make him deal with it (he probably would have been better off dead, actually) and then the kiss happens afterwards.

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The 'let's-accidentally-walk-into-each-other' story:

I apologize in advance, as this is a very short scenario. That's why I'm extending it with this useless sentence.

The scene is school.

Now, with all the winding hallways of Karakura High, it is obviously inevitable that students bump into each other when turning the corner. Fanfiction writers jump eagerly at this opportunity, and, I must admit, they exploit it quite well.

What happens is, Ichigo is _rushing _to point A. Whatever he's rushing to there for, we usually are told earlier, but for the sake of making this a simple, easy to understand scenario, we shall make point A, the boys toilet.

So, he is rushing to point A. Point A, however, requires him to turn a corner at a T-intersection. But Ichigo isn't afraid of a stupid corner.

Problem is, Rukia is also _rushing _somewhere, such as Point B (which can be anywhere except the girls toilets) and just by _coincidence _she happens to be running down that same T-intersection (except not in the same direction as Ichigo).

Alas! Disaster strikes, and as Ichigo rounds the corner, Rukia runs head on into Ichigo. Completely ignoring the fact that Ichigo is a few heads higher than Rukia, their lips meet. I don't know, maybe Rukia took an extra big step or something, but somehow she always manages to meet his lips (and for a bloody long time too).

Well, anyhow, Rukia is smooches Ichigo out of his mind (and keep in mind that she is perhaps, three feet off the ground for an extended period of time), or the other way around.

In a fanfiction, they usually act disgusted afterwards, or sickeningly embarrassed towards each other.

Both of which would not be the case in real life.

In real life, only Rukia would be disgusted, and only Ichigo would be sickeningly embarrassed, due to the fact that the author forgot that he was actually heading towards the toilet, and now he has lost control of his lower bladder muscles, due to the intensity of the kiss.

Well, that's what school cleaners are for, I guess.

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The 'argument' scene:

I'd actually like to continue with the whole walking into each other thing. While the school scenario is _slightly _unbelievable, due to their height difference, maybe this scenario will compensate for that.

This usually takes place in a bedroom, and its usually Ichigo's bedroom. Once again, our main characters are fighting, most likely over something stupid, like Rukia's drawings (which are pretty damn stupid, let me assure you).

Well, that's not really the point. Point is, they're fighting. This is the usual routine.

Rukia yells, because she is angry at Ichigo for criticizing (and that's putting it lightly) her works of art (which are similar to a preschool-drawn Mona Lisa)

Ichigo yells back, because they really do suck – who can blame him?

Of course, yelling back is a big no-no, so what does Rukia do? Yell back at him.

This continues on for a fair while, and Ichigo and Rukia slowly inch closer towards each other (in the process of yelling).

The reasons start getting more and more stupid, and more and more irrelevant, from Rukia's 'I could've done better if you had bought me better crayons' to which Ichigo comes back with a terribly good comeback – such as 'shut up'.

Finally, at the epitome of their fight, both their mouth's are open from yelling, and little evil angels behind them push them just that 2.3 centimeters into each other, and _voila!_

There you have your kiss.

It might also be wise to note that the little evil angel behind Ichigo pushes him _downwards_, as then Rukia would be mouth-massaging his chest. I mean, I'm sure he wouldn't mind, its just that this is, after all, about kissing.

Well, they were sharing so much spit yelling, they might as well have kissed. By now, the writer usually concentrates on the 'kiss' rather than the argument, and hence, Rukia's drawings are forgotten (thank goodness!).

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The 'let's-interrupt-Rukia-talking-by-kissing-her' scene:

On the verbal subject, here's the last scenario for this chapter.

It always seems to be the case that author's think Rukia is a girl that, when she finds something interesting (to her) to talk about, she just won't stop.

Well, that's because its true.

Rukia is a rambler. I mean, they both start with 'R', it _must _be true.

Now, what Rukia is rambling about can be anything really. What fanfiction writers really like doing, is making Rukia ramble about something like Ichigo's well-being. Because its so _cute_, and _sweet_.

For example, Ichigo will come back after doing something really reckless (like fighting an ugly hollow, or something) and Rukia enters ramble-mode. Actually, it probably could be more accurately described as whining-mode.

"Oh, Ichigo, why didn't you call me while you were fighting?" Well, that's obvious, since Rukia is ridiculously weak compared to Rukia. I mean, lets fire balls of red light at monsters. _Obviously that _will stop them.

Or, "Oh, Ichigo, why won't you stop being an idiot?" Well, that's because he can't stop being one, Rukia.

Rukia usually has ten of these statements up her sleeve, and then it ends with the classic tear-jerker:

"Don't you know…I was…worried…about you…about YOU!" And the author usually inserts a bunch of crap (tears) here.

There's the cue for Ichigo to step in and say something manly, but he usually fails and ends up kissing her. Gently, mind you. Don't you notice that he _always_ kisses her _gently_, or _tenderly_. Oh, and don't forget _hungrily_. All these lovely words to describe Ichigo's kisses.

Anyway, the aftermath of this scenario is Rukia saying something along the lines of, "Don't you ever do that again."

And Ichigo just lies outright to her. What an admirable fellow. No roundabouts or 'buts'. Just a sentence or two saying something like, "Ok Rukia, I will not fight Mr. Aizen again."

Which of course, gives him a free entrance ticket to Rukia's mouth.

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**AN: **And that brings us to the end of the second installment of _Official Cliché Kiss Stories_. Tune in next time, when I have a next time. Oh, also, call in and tell me some cliché kiss scenes you have seen around and I will put them in next time.

Good bye and good luck!


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